What do you think of my writing?

What you've written is very , so you can be ured that you do have a talent for describing sensual interludes intriguingly! All you really need to do to improve the excerpt is to proofread it to make corrections of some errors which you'll notice when you reread it. Another point: When you write dialogue, you need a separate paragraph each time one of your characters speaks; then following the quote, begin another new paragraph. There are a couple of occasions in what you've written where I think that your choice of words seems a bit strange; for instance: His lips crushed mine indefinitely (indefinitely? I don't know... I might suggest that you substitute indifferently, but since his lips crushed yours -- hers -- that could hardly have indicated indifference! Essentially, I do think that what you've written is quite good -- and hot! I'd like to read the rest of the story. (I've written two novels myself which both contain numerous scenes -- even explicit -- so I can appreciate your aptitude for writing of a sensual encounter so that it rings true. Keep writing!)